shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
