My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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