I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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