Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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