well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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