The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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