DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
