You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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