PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
