I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
