Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
