why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
