She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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