If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
