I didn't shave. On purpose
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
