I wish I only lived at night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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