the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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