So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
