Don't make out with my wife yet
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
