We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
