so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
