I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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