Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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