Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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