Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
