:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
