i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
