I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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