He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
