hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
