Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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