Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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