You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
