You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
