He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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