I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
