She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
