After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
