a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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