Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
