I'm eating all of the evidence.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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