I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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