I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
