There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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