Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
