I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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