Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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