I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
