I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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