Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
