dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
then he tried to convert me to islam
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
