Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
